I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl, that's still around the morning after.


i have been having a lot of weird feelings lately. I met a very nice girl, and i definitely like her. Everything seems to be moving along very well which i am very happy about. But the last few days in my attempt to sober up from my drug addictions, I've been in a haze. Although i am not a crazy drug addict, i am definitely addicted to pot. I feel like I'm going through withdraw and my brain is trying to find all the thc in my system to fill my cravings for more weed. Today was really weird, i could not pay attention in class. My mind was wondering to an evening getting to hang out with said nice girl.

I had a nice evening. But more and more i am starting to feel like i am not ready for all this. I don't feel myself. I am not able to be friendly or even talk in the presence of her parents or her friends i have meet over the last few weeks. I am by no means a social butterfly, but i mean shit i feel so dumb. Its like all i can talk about are Owen lyrics, parties and why the capitals keep blowing third period leads. and i have nothing to say about anything else. I wish i could just get over myself and be able to just feel comfortable.

When I'm with her I am never nervous. I anticipate seeing her and i am so nervous but as soon as i see her, or in tonight's case hear her pretend to throwing up i feel so calm. I mean this all feels so right and i think i am so worried I'm going to mess up. I never approach girls. that is a different story. It seems that once a year I have a girl approach me, and i talk and it never goes anywhere, i come on too strong, or in some cases its not worth the effort. But this girl, its so different.

I feel that we are moving slow. And i like that because i really need to use all the positive energy in my life to set my feet so I'm ready to grow, but I think I'm doubting myself. I think I'm not allowing myself to act natural. I feel like i do at school. Paralyzed from talking. If I'm drunk i can talk to anyone, am confident, and am able to feel like I'm interesting.

I don't understand why i feel this way. I think that meeting her parents was a big step to me. I don't think i was ready for it, as weird as that sounds. I don't really know her very well. I am doing a good job of not anticipating who she is which is another bad habit i have. I am waiting to see what time will tell me about her. She never disappoints me though. Even if she doesn't think she is nice, i think she is so nice, considerate and sweet that i want to just let go and open myself up, she wont hurt me. But i am still apprehensive about it. after years of being the guy that girls say to me "my friend likes you" when its meant to be an insult to the friend, its hard to be open.

my last relationship was all about spite, and making me feel inadequate, when she made up most of her previous bf's which i was compared to, i think I'm still scared. but god, if i cant open myself up i may really mess this all up.

Another thing that is on my mind is, where we stand. I mean we are "talking" which no one really knows what it means. when i think of it i feel like its exclusive. we aren't together but we also aren't looking for anyone else. I like to think that in a month or so we will be bf and gf. And if i need to ask her to be my gf or if we just go from talking to dating. i mean I'm an old school dude. i remember talking about this at Lynchburg. there were three of us as i remember and two (myself included) had asked the girl to be our gf. the other never officially asked the girl. does it make a difference.

Through this all i seem to forget that, she always texts me back. She always says she wants to see me. she always makes sure i don't feel left out of conversations. and that every time we say good bye after she hugs me she holds my hands looks me in the eye and kisses me. why am i so nervous? why can't i just accept the fact that as hard as i try to push her away because I'm scared that she isn't going anywhere. :)

friendly intentions and fair-weather smiles

My stomach really hurts.  It didn't hurt at 2:47.  I feel really helpless and drowning in my own displeasure.

The last two weeks have been really weird for me.  My work schedule has basically been Sunday and then Friday, with not much to fill in the time between.  I have realized with all this time that i don't have much of a life.  I mean shit, all I've done for the last two weeks was smoke weed, play the Sim's and play xbox.  This week coming up is really stressing me out.  I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday, and it is a consultation to explain the risks of surgery.  A surgery that i need have done....

I feel really frustrated right now.  I am starting to feel how i feel, during the school year.  I feel like I'm getting more distant from my friends.  And i understand this weekend, there is a lot going on.  But when my friends only see me on the weekends it gets really frustrating.  I mean don't friends not usually only hang out on weekends?  I feel so frustrated again.  I don't know what to do.  And my aunt, cousin, her husband and their son are coming to visit tomorrow and i have to work.  This weekend sucks.  and i'm just going to smoke a lot of weed.  It's been my only friend who doesn't relegate me to weekends only.

So a few posts back i talked about my friend which i'll keep unnamed.  But i had a realization today that him not being my friend anymore has made it really hard for me to be make new freinds, for me to just feel normal.  I cant talk to people i say really dumb shit.  i completly freeze up and its redic.  And me being me i over analyze all my actions and try to figure out what i'd rather have done but yet i never can find the answer just self-critisism. 

but in counceling class today, a student mentioned that they went to see their friends, and they ignored  them and just smoked weed the whole time, and they "closed the door" to their former school.  but it hit home to me. 

somewhat similar but i closed the door to my high school life.  something i enjoyed a lot for one year, and friends i got pretty close with, as i mentioned before some faded away to durgs, or to normal life, but anyways i'm will to close that door but the memory remains. memories i always remember fondly.  not who i was with but what was hapening.  which is my way of remembering the good and ignoring the bad.

i just neeed some new memories to grow from, maybe ive used all the juice from my high school memories.  my memory is fucked, might be all the trees in the forest.  but i cant remember anyything from LC, because i spent a lot of it being so sad, and trying to hold it in, or dumping it all on my friends, who so good to me to listen.  but i really only have a few friends i stayed in contact with and i love em both.  and i mean that has to factor into how i feel.  i mean i let some of my friends go, and some i started to grow apart from when i was still 17.  and then a lot of my college friends i dont see often and furthermore dont really talk to.  i mean thats my whole support system from age 16-20.  thats four years that i felt a lot of emotions, and had a lot of experiences that truley have shaped me.

anyways i really wish i could have butterflies in my stomach and enjoy that time when you start "talking" to a girl.  i want that excitement, that feeling when you get home and you had the greatest night even if you just sat and talked.  i want that feeling even if it dosen't lead to anything.  i want that feeling more than anything else.

but i need to trying to plant my feet and just make some friends before im ready for that.  grrr

this makes no sense how i wrote it. 

So blink 182's getting back together, which I think is awesomely cool for blink fans, I myself am not one though.   I think its really cool they are getting back together and I think people will enjoy and appreciate them getting back together but there is just something that’s getting under my skin.

I just read an article saying that blink was influential and that they are more influential then MxPx, are you shitting me?  I'm reading people say that they are a punk band?  Are you kidding me?   The best is that they influenced brand new, that made me sick to my stomach.

People are reasoning that they are so influential because of all the bands that quote them as an influence that are around today.  Well remind me of I’m wrong, isn’t the pop punk genre putting out some of the worst music know to man now a days?  So I guess blink did influence them, play what people wanna hear and make a lot of money, which is the exact opposite of being a punk band.  I know scene police, but saying blink is influential because they just didn't care, well I’m pretty sure that is punk rock but its also what blink took to the bank.  I’ll admit that if it wasn’t for blink I wouldn’t have gotten into punk but I also know once I heard punk I didn't wanna listen to blink any more.

It just upsets me that blink is seen as influential because they were on MTV and were popular, MxPx represent pop punk and have since they were founded.  If it wasn’t for mxpx where would a lot of bands be?  Just because they aren't as well known shouldn’t effect this.

Rant done.

Although it’s like beating a dead horse I just have to say something.

What is going on in the world?  I was sitting in class the other day and overheard someone say I read this book it’s was good but it was real emo.  Whaa?  Where did this fucking word come from?  How can it be applied to such random things?  Scene kids emo kids, please die.  I go to shows and I feel like everyone's staring at me cuz i'm not wearing the uniform or as close to it as I try to wear I don’t fit in, but seriously why should how I dress make such a difference.  I mean shit i'm guilty of trying to be an emo kid, I have never been able to complete the look.  I saw Kevin Devin a few months ago and he said let’s get serious this is an emo show, but of course that was satire.  But I think the statement makes a good point.

What happened?

I remember going to local punk shows when I was in high school; there wasn’t so much elitism.  And those who acted that way stuck out like a sore thumb.  There was just this overwhelmingly good feeling, you went to a show and you were part of something.

If you look through the last 20 years, most bands classified as emo, not only did not accept the label but rejected it and hated it.  Now a day’s many bands identify them as emo, as a badge of pride.  I mean honestly what music isen't emotional?  I tried to find my niche and while I was away at Lynchburg I listened to a lot of these scene bands, I got into it, matchbook romance, brand new, taking back Sunday.  These bands in my opinion still had a punk aesthetic.  I don’t know particularly but I don’t think any of them enjoyed the emo label.  Look at the first CD of each previously mentioned bands as opposed their second.  Matchbook changed there sound so drastically that I didn’t get it.  Brand new changed their sound, and even so more on the devil and god...  which leads us to TBS, where you wanna be was seen to be just as good as tell all your friends.  I remember when it came out everyone I knew was so pumped, I listened to that CD the first two weeks it was out so many times with so many different people, but it didn’t have the element, that crisp freshness.  And with louder now they went so poppy.  I mean hey they're selling records and on their third guitarist/ trade off vocalist we shall see how LP number 4 turns out.  And then came the copy cat bands, fall out boy, who ruled my life for two years with take this to your grave, I still give props to that album as one of the best I’ve heard in the genre, got big.  I spent two years telling everyone how awesome they were, from under the cork tree drops and everyone is telling me wow they are awesome, and all I had to say was, yeah they were awesome.  Fall out boy created all the copycats that dominate so-called scene music.  Let’s get to the facts, none of these bands can touch Patrick's vocals.  And they aren’t quite as clever.

I’ve been so worried about trying to label myself and the other day I realized that i'm a music fan, and I think I should just leave it at that.

p.s. I don’t claim to be right, or even to be an expert just my two cents.

Thx, Brooke for the best song title ever that I relate to everything but especially tunnels. i.e. MySpace pics. 

Anyways, it’s so hard to have had friends.  And have those friends call me when I don't want to talk to them.  And have friends that I tell not to call me, tell me go suck a dick and that I better watch my back.  Maybe I said things I shouldn't have said, such as that I trust your brother; the jailbird dude that I always felt treated me differently than anyone else.  I thought he saw that I wasn’t down with B.S. and that he would tell me straight.  But now I put your word against his.  And in the end nothing changed.  I still am without a friend that I trusted more than my own brother.  And to hear the anger and sadness in your voice really hurt.  But what am I to do?  I don't want you sitting outside my house waiting to get me or shooting up, or hittin the rock or whatever you do at 3 am.  You probably think I don't give two shits about you like everyone else.  But you don’t know how hard the last 4 months have been realizing that I had lost a friend that no other friend could compare too.  You were the first person other than my brother and some stupid girl that I let completely into my world and felt comfortable with it.  I thought you could never do anything to break my trust above all, thought that you would never do that to me.  But how do I learn when I don’t take chances, and you got your chance.

ever since the one day I let you hold my dough and I watched yours and her face, and how you carefully chose your words not to blow it, and tip me off that I wasn’t getting what I wanted, I haven’t been able to trust anyone.  It’s something I did to test you but, I was more wrong to do that, then what you two have done to me.  And you above anyone should know me, you saw me as most people never will, and I felt fine with it.

Trust with friends has always been hard for me.  Trying to figure out who really is my friend.  I’ll never forget the last day of 6th grade when my best friend told me he was moving away.  I’ll never forget seeing OUR friends go off and make bad decision after bad decision.  And I watched our friends that were smarter then you or I get away from the drama, get away from the childish behavior and get away from chemicals ruling our lives.  Even if I don’t talk to you again, you’re always going to have been one of my closest friends.

I just wish I could tell you how hard it’s been.  I could tell from your voice that it’s gonna be hard for you too, but it’s for the best, I need to grow up and you need to learn to take care of yourself. 

So, every year around this time, may 12th to be exact, I begin to wonder if this coming summer will be better then the past summer.  What will define the characteristics I may judge my summer by?  So I'm going to think out loud.  I always need a song to represent my summer.  Last summer I did not have one, summer before that I did not either, three years ago.  Slick shoes now is the time was my song. I never listen to anymore cuz all my friends I used to listen to that with and hope with don't talk to me anymore.  I haven't seen Mr. horn is a long time.  I believe I saw Chris falice but he didn't recognize me or chose that he didn't want to talk to me.  What ev.  That’s on them.  I wish we were all still friends but time has pulled us apart and issues that were never settled have pulled us apart even more I guess.  My brother has lost his backbone.   And my friends who aren't going to rehab don't ever show their faces.

fuck work.

I'm feeling like my life is missing something. i just wish i could figure out what it is.

i listened to my shitty high school band for like two hours today, and played my guitar along. then i started thinking about all that has happened since then and it made me really sad.

So now I've made the decision
to walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life
and I'll never show my face again
because it's too scarred and bloody to be enough
and I don't have the right stuff-
all I have are the empty boxes to carry away your heart

and I think that tonight I will sneak into your house
and I'll sing songs and wake you up
and I'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges
and you'll say you don't to be with me
'cause no one ever does

and no one ever thinks of me that way
but I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you
and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone
'cause I've got to be good enough for you
and someday soon I'll get it right
and then you'll see just how good I can be
so don't ask me about forever because right now I'm feeling lost
but there's got to be some place for me because if there isn't where will I go?
Will there be some place for me and will you be waiting there for me?

what the fuck happened to me. i used to be mad hot. now im just fat. </3 fuck ex bf's btw.

i quite my scene:
"It's what you want
and who you are
that has always been two very different things
So I wore my best clothes
on the last day
that I had to carry us in an uphill war
but I dropped you
under the shelter of
an old friend
you didn't mind then
so don't know
is this what we're fighting for
so why don't you tell me
how it was too little too late
as far as I can see it was the best we the best we could do
this is what I fought for
this is not
so why don't you tell me the truth
And so she she screams to her past
but I used to be someone better back then
she used to be someone better back then"


a year spent cold
"So how did I hold you this long, maybe you were still running and I couldn’t see it
I was too in love to notice, what a fool I am"

away we go

"Holding on to broken hearts
Memories are what's left of us
You're trying to hard to be my friend
And I'm placing all our pictures
in these broken frames to remind me never fall in love again...
Forget my name and forget my face hope you get on a plane and forget this place
So I never have to deal with you again
And away we go
and I hope that you know
that one day, we will all be alone"

no love

"if i gave everything would you still listen to me?
it could be so much better than this
i don't want you to love me anymore...
if i came home one last time
think of what the two of us could do
i guess we'll never know"

falling away

"I'm falling away
Away from your arms
that kept me so close
to the things that I love"

don't call me peanut

"Drink up beautiful.
I spiked your cup with angst and a heart attack,
'cause I've got so much trapped
It's all because of you.
So I figured you might like some back.
And when I see her
I'll tell her what's been on my mind
all these sleepless nights.
She'll recite her excuses
Put my tail between these legs of mine
like I do all the time...
And now you say that,
you say you love me.
Well I may have your heart,
he has your body.
And now you swear that you're being honest,
but you're not honest,
and you never could be."

secondary
"Stop the circulation to my legs and break my bones.
Dateless and late, I'm better by myself at home.
Past the point of trying, and I'm dying here.
Secondary...
Stop these looks and letters.
This isn't for the better.
You put me down...
It's for the worse, you're not my girl."

The Subtleties That Make Mass Murderers Out Of Otherwise Decent Human Beings
"Maybe I was caught up in the dance or in the drink,
but get this through your skull - don't get caught up in me.
And you'll get another chance or another breath,
but get this through your skull. You never met me...
I cut the faces out of photographs so traces of your life
will turn up traceless with your death deprived of stasis.
So sleep secure...and rest assured that you're beautiful with trigger pulled."

this summer has not been up to par

( summer )

2003
"I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get" brand new- Soco Amaretto Lime

2004

"All day long/ I've sat here for/ I cannot find my way/ Left or right, I'll still go on/ But will I see your face/ But now is the time/ We will survive
To see the light of another day/ But now is the time/ We will survive
To see the light of another/ Days go by/ What can I do?/ What did I do for you?
And in the end/ What will there be/ And how much left of me" slick shoes- now's the time

2005
?

may fourth i come home, I'm sure we will have a new song by may ninth

My comment left to Bryansays who was assuming I was leaving anonymous comments. I feel like someone I know with an admission of guilt maybe because I know who did in fact leave the comments.

"Bryan hard enough to believe I haven’t left a comment since the one that you erased because I assume you felt as though I had made a point. I really could care less about your life. You ran away from YOUR problems. And why don't I use my psychology knowledge to analyze you. You are a compulsive liar. I’m still waiting to hear something truthful out of your mouth but after a year and a half I just concluded it would never happen. You failed out of Lynchburg College. The school that, you I’m sure have claimed, is just not good enough for you. Two semesters of academic probation and yet you still can’t cut it after your dad paid to get you back in. Not to mention your dad is getting his lawyer to erase your transcript so that you can get into college and he doesn’t have to support you the rest of your life. Your dad is a smart man or your grandfather who ever added the stipulation to your trust fund that you have to graduate from college. And I pray you do. Because you need as much help as you can get. At least when you have your trust fund you will go out and ruin your life and hopefully your parents cant save you then.

Sorry to be random but “I know she was aware of my presence, I mean, how could you not?” How can you say this? I mean I just wish you were full of yourself. Wait you already are. The interesting thing is that from what I hear and those lovely high school photos you were more of a loser then I was in high school. The people at Lynchburg College were just impressionable enough to believe that you were cool. I mean how often do you meet a gay alcoholic who walks around like he is better then everyone and spends all his dads money with out caring what so ever. I mean spoiled brats are a commodity here in Virginia I assume.

And I’m just wondering how long did it take you to get a job after you left school here. How does it feel to know everything that came out of your mouth is a lie? Finally, I could care less. You are the one that seems to endlessly check your live journal comments. So I am expecting your knowledgeable come back, that puts me in my place since you are so superior to me, by the time I wake up. Besides you need to come to defense of your image, with out it what would you have left?"


i just feel that everyone should see this.

This weekend was awesome. I got really hammered Friday and Saturday night, Tim didn't come down, and my gf is made at me because I asked her to I don't know talk to me for more then good night every three days at least. She says I whine and bitch and it makes her feel bad. Sweet heart if you just gave me 10-15 minutes a day I would be really happy. I used to expect at least an hour a night. But she has a job now which I’m happy she does she is so motivated and she has a good very busy life, I just feel I’m starting to fade out of it again just like I did back in November, when I was told I can't do all of this and andy you have to go. Maybe I’m just a joke to her but who knows, and I’m sure she will read this and dump me on the spot. But sweetheart I just want some of your time once in a while to keep me sane, and to try and satisfy your need of affection the only way I can, by talking to you on the phone, I’m sorry I go to college five hours away and I’m sorry I’m too dumb to transfer to a closer school, and even when I say I’ll transfer you tell me not to even think about it because I like it here, which I do. But you make me just a little happier then any college is going to make me.

Lets see if we make it to one year because if she has anything to say I think its going to be that I she can't fit me in anymore.

tonight sucked. im so bored and i want to talk to sydney. typical, but she was in a bad mood the past two nights, and she is chillin with her friend allie tonight which is good i want her to be happy. I'm just always self-consious that her being mad could be linked to me or that her being mad could make her mad at me. Also some random ass girls Tim and I met like 3 years ago called me, its funny. Tonight is a night i actualy enjoy getting a drunk dial.

1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.

2. I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.

3. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.

4. Last, i will try to name a single word that best describes you.

5. Put this in your journal.

the best line of the night from the daily show: "a valiant effort by liberty who has been playing hurt since the declaration of the patriot act"- jon stewart

I deffenatly bought girl's jeans tonight. I feel so cool. I am going home tomarow.

Short and to the point.

i<3 sydney.